Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
