somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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