Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
