She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
