ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
