on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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