you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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