If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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