She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
