I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
