sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
