I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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