i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
