im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
