I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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