My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize