I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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