She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
