I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
