I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
how does that bad decision feel?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
