I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
