seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
