I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
