Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
