I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
