Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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