haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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