none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
