I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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