I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
