i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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