If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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