Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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