I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
