Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
