I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
