when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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