Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
