so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
