ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
