Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
