Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
