He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
