Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
