my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Randomize
