I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
