Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
