the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
