Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
