I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
