im about as happy as oj after his trial
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
