is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
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