today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I will be naked everywhere
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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