guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
