i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
