regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
