dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
