Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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