We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
