You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
