All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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