why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize