You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
