I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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